It Was Fate
by fair01will
Summary: Is fate written? Or is it just a coincidence that things happen to us in a certain order? These questions are bothering Blair for quite some time now. As she is in her shower, trying to get rid herself of the disturbing feeling of not being worth the care and consideration her parents always showed her, she wonders about her own fate once again. Very AU
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own ''Gossip Girl''_

_AN: This is my first fanfiction so I'm really excited about it, also english is not my first language so please be considerate. I've decided to write this with Carter and not with Chuck because, really when you think about it there is a million of fanfics about Chair... Just didn't have a good idea about those two yet. I think Blair and Chuck is an epic love forever and nothing can beat those two. But then again, with Carter it's more interesting for me to write because he wasn't so developed in the GG series and they do look good together. Nevertheless, it'll take long for those two to get together in my story and it won't be easy. So keep on reading and please review!_

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Is fate written? Or is it just a coincidence that things happen to us in a certain order? These questions are bothering Blair for quite some time now. As she is in her shower, trying to get rid herself of the disturbing feeling of not being worth the care and consideration her parents always showed her, she wonders about her own fate once again

She is just a regular girl in her world of New York high society. There is not one thing she thinks, that is interesting about here now. Well, except for her fortune. Even though she feels these things, she never shows them and her classmates adore her. And she isn't the one to stop them in their blind pursuit of a life like hers.

She is standing in her shower, reaching for her shampoo, which smells divinely and thinks it all over again. I'm leaving, she thinks. For good, never to come back here, she adds loudly trying to persuade herself of the greater good of her departure. Her life has been slowly but surely suffocating her. There just isn't enough oxygen left in between those walls of her happy face façade and the actual suffering she desperately tries to hide.

One year ago, she would've laughed in anyone's face if they were trying to tell her how her eighteenth birthday would end. She always shudders when thinking back to that day and her having a hot and steamy shower does nothing to stop it. It has already become clear to her she isn't able to forget it. So she thinks a little more wallowing and mourning won't hurt her, she has already survived the worst. She thinks back to that day and slowly tears start to roll down her cheeks.

Two weeks ago she was having the time of her life. Sun is shining through the windows of her 5th Avenue penthouse room. Small rays of morning sun fall on her eyes and she slowly wakes up. It's my birthday today, she thinks. A small smile creeps up on her face and slowly becomes the widest grin one could have ever seen on her face. Blair Waldorf is finally eighteen, she sings to herself as her polish maid Dorota starts to help her with her hair and wardrobe.

She lives with her parents. She isn't old enough yet to be living on her own, and even if she were, she wouldn't trade her living arrangements with any other. There was one time she thought she would, but that was before her boyfriend broke up with her half a year ago. Well, she thinks, it's time to open my presents. Even though she is the richest heir in whole of New York State and could buy anything she wants, she is always excited to open and see her presents, especially those from her parents.

She loves her parents very much and enjoys every moment they choose to spend with her. Her mother, a famous and successful owner of a law firm, is always consumed in her work. Although it is very hard to find time in her busy schedule, she always founds some time and once every week she has a dinner with her daughter. There they usually gossip about her classmates and social darlings, speak about the newest fashion trends or discuss their upcoming holidays.

Harold Waldorf comes from old money. And as such, he is able to provide for his family without even having to lift his finger. Nevertheless he didn't grow up as a spoiled rich brat as some would probably say. He studied law at the Yale University and after 15 years of successful career he decided to change his profession and thus devote himself to architecture, which he always found interesting. After a short amount of time he became an acclaimed architect and he loves his work, often immersing himself in his plans.

That's how his daughter Blair finds him this morning of her 18th birthday. Scribbling in some blueprints which sometimes seem to her like a lot of rubbish he drinks his coffee and is quietly murmuring to himself. She knows better than to disturb him, but can't help asking him on which building he is working now.

''On our hotel of course sweetheart and good morning to you too'', says her father with a soft smile on his face. She smiles instantly. It isn't that long she had ''the discussion'' with her parents about her heritage. One day she will own the great family hotel – the Waldorf Astoria, which is in her family for more than a century now.

She is suddenly woken up from her daydream when her father starts to speak once again, and with an anxious expression on his face he says ''we have to discuss our plans for today Blair-bear.'' She looks up at him, widening her doe eyes slightly. It isn't like her father to be anxious when he's talking with her. ''I'm so sorry sweetheart, but your mother and I won't be able to keep our dinner plans tonight.'' Blair's face falls. It is her birthday after all and she knows her parents always find time to spend the day with her. She has already had her birthday party two days ago as is her tradition for ten years now and was looking forward to spend her birthday with her family immensely.

She is confused when her father tells her that she'll be spending the evening of her 18th birthday alone with only Dorota to keep her company. But she is a well brought up girl, she quickly masks her disappointment. However her father knows his daughter like nobody else, and he quickly catches up on the ingenuity of her face expression. ''It's alright daddy,'' she says in a cheerful tone which doesn't seem to reach her eyes. ''we'll celebrate my birthday some other day.''

Harold loves his daughter very much and it always breaks his heart when he sees her trying to hide the sadness behind her well built walls of unaffected façade. And this time it is his fault. He and his wife have to attend a conference his wife's company is hosting at their hotel. His wife Eleanor has left all the preparations to her personal assistant and Harold was too careless to check the date. Now it is too late to change the date and he knows he is to blame.

''Honey I'm so sorry, but your mother's hosting a very important event tonight and we can't afford not to be there,'' he starts to explain, looking at her with a saddened expression. He wants to continue but his wife enters the dining room and continues for him. ''Blair, you know we love you so I hope you can understand.'' She pauses for a minute, contemplating her next words and thinking about what she is to say next. She looks at her husband who only nods and encouragingly smiles at her, letting her know she has his support in this decision.

Blair is about to ask her parents what is going on with all those looks they are giving each other. However, her patience doesn't have to suffer because her mother starts to speak again. ''Blair, you're eighteen now, and we think it's the right age for you to start living the life you were always going to live. Given your maturity in most of the things and your cleverness, we've come to the conclusion…''

God, she thinks, why can't my mother say what's on her mind in one sentence instead of twenty! Nevertheless, her mother starts to intrigue her and she listens very closely. ''we've come to the conclusion that you shall receive your whole trust fund today as your birthday present.''

She only stares at her mother. Surely, that is impossible. She expected jewellery, maybe a car but this? To say she is surprised is an understatement. She knows her mother is very considerate, however not the maternal type that would let her have access to an obscene amount of money which she thought that were first to be given to her on her twenty first birthday. Only after her father asks her what she thinks about it does she realise she is actually gaping at her parents. And then she does the most un-Blair thing of all, she squeals and runs to hug her parents who smile at her lovingly. This really is the best day she ever had.

They sit together at their late brunch table, marvelling at the cooking skills their maid possesses and talk about everything and nothing. They haven't realised how fast the time flew by and suddenly it is two o'clock in the afternoon. Blair excuses herself to get ready for the attorney they are going to see in late afternoon regarding her trust. She decides to wear black lace dress with white patterned tights and black pumps.

As she is looking at herself in the mirror rearranging her chocolate curls she has to laugh. She is so happy. Blair doesn't show much of her feelings on her face when she's in public. She thinks it makes her vulnerable and that is the thing she hates the most. She is tough girl, able to withstand anything, but sometimes, when she is alone she lets herself crumble and succumb to darkness and crying. She can't say she's not happy because she is. She has the best family one could wish for, excellent results at school which will allow her to attend her dream university.

Nevertheless sometimes she feels like there is something standing behind her, watching her from the shadows, ready to attack her. Today is not the day to dwell on these thoughts, she tells herself smiling at her appearance. She really looks good, she thinks, descending the marble staircase and stepping into their private elevator as her parents and she make their way downstairs. The limo is already waiting for them and Blair's looking out of the window, studying the people rushing forward, never looking around, and never stopping.

The attorney is mildly sceptical, nevertheless everything is prepared according to their wishes and the papers are signed. Blair doesn't even want to know how much she possesses right now. She is sure she is the richest girl in the New York City, with all the money she has access to. It is the way it worked for one hundred years in the society of old money. A young person was given the right upbringing, right schools, a trust, a social status and people to influence.

As much as that might be good, it is also a curse. Blair always has to pay attention to what people are saying about her and how she presents herself, which is sometimes quite hard with her obsessive nature. Yes, she is a young woman, but she is also a Waldorf, and that comes before anything. So when she is given her trust, she doesn't show excitement, she doesn't show happiness, she only looks at the attorney, thanks him for his services and with the same emotionless expression, she exits the building right behind her parents.

Everyone knows not to mess with Blair Waldorf. She is a clever, sweet girl, but she shows these sides of her only few of her friends. With others, she is a cold, calculating bitch, never letting anyone step above her, not that anyone has ever tried. They all know very well what would happen if they did so. Each of her classmates is aware of what happened or they think happened to Nancy Willow.

They were about eleven when a blonde girl charmed everyone. Of course Blair was extremely upset because of that. So she used her wit and plotted against her. No one seems to remember the circumstances of the sudden disappearance of Nancy. One day, she just stopped going to school. That day was Blair happier than ever. Rumours say she set some teachers against her, others claim that she let Nancy be shipped to a reformatory camp. No one really knows.

Even though Blair presents herself as an unfeeling cold hearted Queen B she does what she does out of fear. She grew up in a society where certain steps must be undertaken when one's authority is being undermined. She is the best one of them, the best at leading people but also at pushing them away. Because everyone grew up like this, nobody seems to ever dispute her behaviour, they all adore her. Being like Queen B is the dream of every girl at her school, and being Blair's boyfriend was the wish of every boy.

Since middle school, Blair was one of the most beautiful girls at her school. Her best friend Serena was also beautiful. When Blair had this classic charm about her, Serena was overflowing with the French je ne sais quoi... It was quite surprising they were best friends since Serena is the exact opposite of Blair; she is energetic, always smiling and laughing. It was her, Blair felt most safe with. They laughed together and when they partied it was like a whole world stopped around them and it was only the two of them.

At least it was like that till six months ago. When she was still dating the lacrosse player Nate, and Serena and she were practically joined at the hip. But then Serena suddenly left, and to top it all, her boyfriend broke up with her not two days after her best friend left. Blair knew Serena was impulsive and when her mother told her she moved to Los Angeles she understood. She was her friend and it was her job to understand.

Two weeks went by and Nate finally succumbed to his guilt and told Blair the whole truth. He slept with Serena at their parents' friend's wedding. Blair, the tough girl she was, remained having the same unaffected face expression and told him to get out and never to speak to her again. Nate only turned around and exited the penthouse, no pleas, no apologies were uttered, and it only strengthened her belief of never letting anyone again so close to her like she let Nate.

That night, after she was sure her parents were asleep, she wasn't able to hold it any longer and she started to cry. Tears rolled down her cheeks and a sob escaped her mouth. After some time she calmed herself down, forbidding herself to ever think of those two ever again. As far as she was concerned both Nate and Serena were dead to her.

However as she looks out of the window on their way back home, she can't miss the blonde boy she used to date. He looks so happy; having a redhead on his arm, talking about god knows what. She knows he doesn't date anyone at the moment, only started sleeping around and this is obviously his next prey. She doesn't feel bad for the girl who looks so enamoured by him. The only who will be left alone in her bed is you, she thinks, as she looks them up and down for the last time.

She doesn't let herself dwell on them and returns her thoughts to the plan she has been thinking about for tonight. Her parents have already stepped out of the limo as she reaches for her designer handbag and follows them in their home. Her parents have disappeared into their rooms to get ready for their evening and Blair is left alone. She is used to it by now, to the feeling of loneliness. After her breakup with Nate and also Serena her parents were busy with their work and her only friends were macaroons shipped to her directly from Paris.

After her five years long mishap as she likes to call it now, she allowed herself a week in bed, mourning her relationship with a boy she thought she loved, but who cheated on her in the end. At least he had the decency to tell her the truth, she thought after a few days of sleeping in her bed and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's over and over again. But today is a happy day, not a chance I'll be mourning anyone, she thinks after she has changed into some appropriate lounge wear.

Even though her parents aren't here to share this moment with her, she starts unwrapping her birthday presents. She hasn't finished unwrapping even the first present before she hears a soft knock on her door. She stands up and opens her door. She is quite surprised to see her mother and father at the door.

''Blair-bear, we wanted to say goodbye, Dorota prepared some dinner for you, she has outdone herself I assure you!'' tells her father looking at her affectionately. ''Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, have a nice evening.'' answers Blair, looking slightly sad. She knows today is only her birthday and her parents have much important things to do. She's thought about it the whole day and decided on being happy for them. After a beat, a genuine smile appears on her face as she reminds herself of this and her parents leave her to finish opening her gifts.

She turns around sighing and closes the door. Unwrapping presents is her favourite activity. She loves the thrill of guessing what it could be and the excitement of tearing the last pieces of paper which are hiding the present from her. She loves the things she got this year. After she puts them on the right place, she goes to the dining room and has dinner. Her father was right; the lamb with sautéed vegetable is delicious.

She is tired and not in the mood to walk around the empty apartment, so she decides that she'll watch one of her favourite Audrey movies. She puts the DVD in the player in her room and the familiar soundtrack of Charade fills her room. Settling herself on her bed, she takes her phone and turns it off, not wanting to be bothered by the outer world for one night.

Suddenly she wakes up to the sound of loud knocking on her door and sounds of ''Miss Blair'' echoing through. She looks at her antique alarm clock. ''It's 3 a.m. in the morning, what the hell does she want now?'' asks Blair as she groggily sits up on her bed. She throws a glance at the TV, seeing only black screen. I must have fallen asleep; she thinks as she unsteadily stands up and goes to the door. The incessant banging makes her head pound because of the lack of sleep. She opens the door and angrily says ''what do you want Dorota? Are you not aware of the time?''

Dorota, already pale and trembling pales even more as she answers her ''There gentlemen to see you Miss Blair, they want speak to you'' But Blair isn't in the mood to deal with some idiots who aren't capable of checking their watch to see if it is reasonable time to come barging in her home.

''Send them away Dorota; tell them my parents will deal with them in the morning! Now go, I want to sleep!'' Snaps Blair at her poor maid but is surprised when Dorota insists on her coming downstairs because the gentlemen want to speak with her right this moment.

And that's how Blair has found herself fuming; looking at the two men clad in black as one of them grabs his wallet and shows her his badge. ''Miss Waldorf,'' he starts, looking at her with sad expression, ''we're from NYPD, there's been an accident.'' finished the officer his sentence. Blair looked him in the eye and when she saw the sincerity in his eyes, something clicked inside her head.

Where are her parents? She asks herself. Surely the conference isn't that long, it is already quarter past three and usually by this time they were already at home. Suddenly she becomes afraid, unable to pinpoint the source of her fear. Only her gut tells her something bad has happened. ''Dorota, where are my parents? Why aren't they at home yet?'' asks Blair in a slightly frightened voice, unable to hide the rising fear. ''Miss Waldorf, there was a car accident, a bus crashed into your parent's car. They were killed instantly. I'm so very sorry.''


	2. Chapter 2

The police officers explain to Blair some more details of her parents' death. Dorota's hand flies to her mouth. She certainly hasn't been expecting this to happen. Eleanor and Harold have been like a family to her and this loss is unimaginable. But then she looks at Miss Blair, the girl she's practically raised. Blair's looking at the officers as if she'd seen a ghost. An inaudible ''No'' escapes her mouth as she continues to stare at them. Slowly, Dorota composes herself. She's the one that has to deal with this situation. She turns to Blair who has a lone tear running down her cheek.

''Miss Blair, go to bed, I deal with gentlemen.'' Dorota says in an authoritative tone. But Blair hears none of that. She's still hearing the words accident, dead, very sorry. Blair looks at her trembling hands, then back again at the officers. A heart wrenching scream escapes her mouth as she collapses on the floor. She doesn't care about decorum; she doesn't care about what they'll think about her. Her parents are dead; her only family is gone now. As she's half lying half sitting on the floor, she hugs her legs and keeps on sobbing, seeing nothing through her eyes full of tears.

The officers aren't fast enough to catch her, but when they try to pull her off the floor, Dorota steps protectively in front of Blair and the officers immediately back down. ''I think it better you leave now, we send someone who do the paperwork and deal with their death.'' Dorota says looking at the two men with a stern expression. The policemen aren't surprised to hear that. They've already dealt enough times with these rich people. Even though they detest their behaviour, they nod and with a polite goodbye they exit the penthouse through the private elevator.

Blair is still on the floor, rocking her body back and forth, she knows sobbing down here is not the best way to deal with her loss but she doesn't know what to do anymore. When she tries to hold her sobs, they come back in even stronger waves. ''It's not true, it can't be true.'' she repeats in her head, but then she remembers those men and their words and she starts to cry again. This goes on and on until she cries herself to sleep on the cold floor.

When she wakes up in her own bed the next morning, she feels strangely bad and she can't think of the reason why. But in an instance the happenings of last night come to her. The policemen, the news and the death, it all flashes in her mind. She feels tears filling her eyes instantly, nevertheless she doesn't start crying. Blair is very well aware that here are some things she has to deal with right now. Since she already experienced a death of someone in their social circle, she knows what is expected of her. The funeral is after all the most attended event these days in New York City.

Even though she'd rather spent the rest of her life in her bed, thinking about her father and mother, she drags herself out of bed and behaves herself like almost nothing has happened yesterday. Her parents always thought the best of her, and she isn't going to disappoint them now. She has a shower, wishing it would wash away all the memories. Blair steps out of her shower and looks at herself in the huge bathroom mirror. Her hollow eyes stare at her back as she scrutinises her appearance. She sees nothing interesting or beautiful. All she's able to see is a girl who has become an orphan on her 18th birthday.

She hastily dries herself not paying enough attention to her wet hair. She scrabbles in one of her drawers for an elastic and puts her hair in a ponytail. Even though she detests jeans and sweaters it's exactly what she's looking for in her huge closet of designer clothes, shoes, handbags and accessories. Eventually she finds some and doesn't even care about checking herself in a mirror as usual. After a while of staring at her door, she opens it and makes her way downstairs.

There as always, a steaming cup of coffee and some fresh berries await her on a dark oak dining table. The only thing missing is The New York Times. Since two years ago she loves reading the news. Then, she took it upon herself to be educated about the world's news so she could converse about it with her father and spend some more time with him.

''Dorota,'' calls Blair to her maid in an exasperated tone, ''where is my newspaper?'' ''They not delivered this morning Miss Blair'' answers Dorota from the kitchen. Although Dorota has learned to be a good liar, Blair always sees through it. ''Dorota, I'm not in the mood for your theatricals, Give me the papers now!'' snaps Blair. She doesn't have the energy to be polite to her favourite maid. She's tired of all the hypocrisy of Upper East Side. She doesn't want to be polite anymore. Her parents were polite and decide to attend their party and look where that led them, muses Blair.

She desperately wants to blame someone, even though her reasons don't make any sense at all. It's not her fault, of that she is sure, at least for now. But then whom to blame? She doesn't know much of the particulars and maybe if she did, she'd murder half of New York City because her parents are dead. As she keeps thinking about it, her sadness suddenly becomes anger. So she tries again, this time more loudly. '' Where are the papers Dorota?'' Blair almost shouts.

This time Dorota brings the newspaper, looking extremely worried. ''Miss Blair, it no good…''Dorota tries to say but Blair interrupts her midsentence. ''Give it here Dorota, I don't pay you to think!'' So Dorota gives up, not at all pleased to have to witness Blair's behaviour to deteriorate, it did once before and it was not a pleasant thing to see. The last time it started exactly like this, denial, then anger and it all ended with a hysterical breakdown. But last time, there was Blair's mother to console her and Dorota knows she simply isn't able to replace her and Dorota has no idea how to deal with it now. Blair's still her employer and as such, she has to oblige even if she thinks it will make her feel terrible. However it doesn't stop her from thinking about a way how to help Blair deal.

Dorota hands her the papers and quietly leaves the room. Blair puts a strand of her hair behind her ear and looks at the front page. ''Nothing interesting'' she thinks, but then her eyes stray down the page and there it is, white on black, the thing she thought she'd avoid. A thick black headline – **THE WALDORF MAGNATE DIES WITH HIS WIFE IN A CAR ACCIDENT LEAVING ONLY HIS DAUGHTER AND BILLIONS BEHIND**

Blair never thought it'd start so quickly, she assumed it'd take the news at least half a day to reach the headlines. Her memory of last night is still fresh and despite her cool exterior she's trying to show the world (mainly Dorota), it feels as if her heart was ripped out of her chest. Blair was never a drama queen. She almost never lost her temper, only bickered with Dorota when her maid decided to be extra protective or educative like just a moment ago,

But right now her personal life and loss are starting to be the centre of attention and there'll be reporters following her everywhere. She has just become the richest heir in the whole of America. The wealth of her parents was enormous, but still not enough, never enough to bring them back to her. Blair tries very hard to keep her from crumbling down but an involuntary sob escapes her mouth. She doesn't want to cry now. In her world of UES there are only two ways how to deal with a tragic event, and both are extreme.

She remembers as she and Serena was laughing long ago at the drama Mrs Hughes pulled off when her husband died of heart attack. Never mind she was having three affairs at that time, when her husband died she was suddenly the most devoted wife there ever was. She was crying every time someone saw her and became a walking corps because she refused to wear makeup. This led both of the girls to sort the people of their social circle in two groups. The first group was mourning their dead so very convincingly that they got drunk, destroyed their business or cried like a baby all the time.

Then there was the second group. They on the other hand really suffered from their loss and tried to keep a happy face with all it took. But then, almost every one of them took a three months long vacation to get away from all the press after it became unbearable. And as the years passed, Blair found out that nobody stood out of line. Only two groups, only two ways of dealing existed in her world. And just like that has she realized that she's not able to do this alone.

But Blair never ever admits that she's unable to do something. She always holds her head high, never mind the consequences. Even if she has to die in the process, she will never beg for help. With this newfound resolution she stands up, tears the newspaper in pieces and in crumbled balls throws it all over the place. Then she decides it's for the best to get it all over with. She calls the lawyers, even the funeral planners. She does it automatically, never thinking about what she says, only answering their questions with short answers.

After two hours of phoning she stops. She doesn't feel anything except for the loss and anger. Nobody genuinely cares about her. Surely, some people called, her minions, some family friends even Nate did. But all of them were dismissed with a cool thank you and Blair's stony voice telling them she'll be all right. Blair hates the pretence more than anything. Right now she's a true believer in honesty. But then, she wasn't brought up to harass everyone. So she complies with the general conventions of mourning and calls Dorota.

''Yes Miss Blair?'' ''Dorota, call my limo, I'll go deal with the police'' Blair's cold voice resonates between the walls of the dining room. The rest of the day is just a haze for Blair. Dealing with police has never been hard for her. She never got into trouble; however she used to spend some time there every now and then. Her best friend, her ex-best friend she corrects herself, always got into trouble. And Blair being the good friend she was, always used her connections to get her out of it. But today, she dreads going to the 19th precinct of NYPD.

Nevertheless, she survives the visit and now knows every detail of what happened. Her parents' driver was driving too fast and wasn't able to stop the car when he saw a bus coming from the side. At least he's dead, thinks Blair as she's leaning against black leather seats of her town car going back home. She hastily exist the car, not looking back at the aggravating reporters who made it their only aim in their meaningless lives to flout her personal life in the papers.

As she ascends in the elevator, her thoughts resolve around her next step. In her head she's made a list of things she needs to do. Number one, go to her father's study, number two open the safe, recites Blair as she steps out of the elevator. Her legs are shaking and it has nothing to do with the cold she's feeling. She's never wanted to enter her father's study so soon, but it needs to be done. ''It needs to be done, Blair. Grab the handle, turn it, lift one foot, then the other.'' She commands to herself but her resolve is wavering. She takes a breath and enters the room.

She regrets it immediately. The scent of her father's cologne is still in the air. With shaky hands she finds the safe and enters the combination. Her father always trusted her, more than her mother ever did. And right now it hurts even more, knowing that he trusts her even after he's dead. Tears fill her eyes as she rummages in the box in the wall. After a beat she finds what she was looking for. She hastily closes the safe and flies the room.

She almost runs to her room and with quick steps she reaches her bed and sits down. She stares at the document in her hands as if it was the most repulsive thing in the world. The last will of her parents and she has to read it now. Blair knows there are no relatives; no other Waldorfs that could lay claim to her parents' assets. They all died in a war or passed away long time ago. For Blair it would be much easier if there was anyone who could help her, but today she's all alone. So she starts to read the document that's going to change her life forever.

It's six o'clock when she hears a soft knock on her door. She hasn't fallen asleep as she did yesterday evening. Blair's only managed to read one sentence. She couldn't keep on reading, so she just stared out the window, ignoring everyone and everything going on around her. Unbidden the doors open and the person Blair's decided to never speak to again enters her room. ''Blair'' says the blonde with so much emotion. ''Go away!'' and a few octaves higher ''I don't need you here Serena!''

But Serena knows her friend very well, behind her façade there's a girl in a need of comfort, and that's why Dorota called her here, even though Serena was already on her way. Blair abruptly stands up and in a deadly voice says ''I don't want you here! Do you really think you can just come in here like nothing has happened? You slept with my boyfriend like the whore you are and then you leave for God knows where! And you know what sucks even more? You couldn't even say the truth to me. You were just the being your usual self, expecting your problems to be solved all on its own, but you know what, I don't care. Just get the hell out of here! I don't want to see you ever again! I hate you! I hate…! I…!''

But Serena was quick enough to catch on what was happening here. Blair just ventilated her suffering on her and Serena took it without flinching because she knows she deserves it. In the middle of Blair's tantrum, she comes close to her and as she starts with her hurtful words, Serena grabs hold of her even though Blair's trashing around. By the time Blair says she hates Serena, she's engulfed in a hug and starts to sob. Everything's so overwhelming for Blair that her legs go limp and if Serena weren't holding her, she'd surely fall on the floor. ''Hush, it's going to be alright, it's going to be alright'' Serena consoles Blair as she's holding her in her arms, tears filling her own eyes. ''It'll all be alright''

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_Thank you for reading!_


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: Here's chapter three. I made some changes - made Blair not 17 but 18. Also the Bass family doesn't exist in this story. I thought it would complicate things too much and also there won't be any other scenes from NYC so it doesn't hurt the story. _

_Enjoy and review please!_

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After Blair has cried out, Serena slowly moves towards Blair's bed to put her best friend to sleep. When she wants to throw the covers away and moves her hands in their direction Blair cries out ''Careful Serena, there are papers on the bed!'' Serena then looks more carefully and sees a yellowish envelope with some rather old printing on it.

''Blair, what's that?'' Serena looks at her friend questioningly. Blair immediately looks at her feet as if ashamed and doesn't answer Serena's question. To be honest, the last thing she wants to do right now is to explain why there's a last will of her parents in her bed. ''Blair, is it what I think it is? Why do you need to read it?'' Serena slowly reaches for the papers discarded on Blair's bed in a mess.

''I…'' Blair begins in a hesitant tone, but quickly recovers from her recent meltdown and hides behind her well-built walls. ''I need to read it do I can do things according to my parents' exact wishes and as you might well know, I do not disappoint my parents!'' Blair snaps at her friend. However it lacks the usual iciness of Queen B.

Serena is aware this is Blair's defence mechanism and she isn't in the mood to argue with her friend. But then as Dorota has said to her moments ago, right now she's the only one who can help Blair and that only strengthens her resolve to do so. An idea strikes her. ''Blair, you're coming with me. I don't want you to be here alone. My mum has already prepared a room for you.''

Blair hasn't thought of that. She expected condolences, maybe a shoulder to cry on; well she's used up that one. But maybe their friendship is still there and now is the best chance to salvage it. Even though it is Serena who's ruined it, it is also Blair's fault that their friendship has deteriorated in the past couple of months before the fatal mistake.

''Come on Blair, you can't be here alone!'' Serena tries again convinced it is the only way to cheer Blair up. Blair looks around her room, trying to find some inspiration as for what to say to that. She has forgiven Serena a long time ago, unwillingly of course. The bond they used to have, that they still have, has always been strong. Unfortunately it was Serena's nature to screw around and Nate was too enchanted by her blond friend to think of the repercussions.

On the other hand, she also needs to be forgiven. Sometimes Blair's insecurities win over her and she takes it out on people and Serena has never been an exception. But now, all seems forgiven. This isn't time to dwell on those trivialities; their friendship can be salvaged, and of that Blair is sure; however that can't erase the pain she's feeling. When Blair loves, she loves with all her heart. And when she suffers, she suffers until her bones hurt, until she breaks herself. Because under those thick layers of pristine reputation lies a deeply passionate woman, sometime it wouldn't hurt to let those emotions escape.

In spite of everything it is the only way she knows how to deal with the things life brings her and that has ever protected her for getting hurt is one of her biggest fears. So her façade is pulled up and as she's looking around her room, desperately avoiding Serena's eyes it suddenly strikes her.

Before Serena has come, she has been a wreck, not able to do one more thing. Blair knows very well she isn't able to continue with this charade of hers. She throws a glance at Serena ''Alright, I'll go with you. Will you help me pack?''

Serena way dumbfounded. Never in million years did she expect this to be so easy. Whenever something was bothering Blair, she always took it out on people around her. She regretted it afterwards, in some cases she even apologised. But it that is who she is, or at least was and this pale petite person standing before me, Serena thinks, is nothing like the Blair I used to know.

''Well then, let's call Dorota and she'll pack for you. We'll go straight to my mum's place. She's renovated again, did you know that?'' ''Of course Lilly has to renovate. What was it this time? The carpets were too colourful?'' a small almost imperceptible smile crept up on her face. Serena smiles at that. ''I have no idea actually. I bet it was the lights, she always complained about them.'' This time Blair really smiles and then goes for her purse. After she gathers the necessities in her black Dolce & Gabbana bag she makes her way to the door but Serena stays behind.

So many memories are hidden in between these walls. Now everything is different or about to change. Serena quickly types a message to her mother saying they're almost on their way. ''Dorota!'' is heard from below and Serena is glad that at least something stayed the way it has been before. Blair is already downstairs and looking for Dorota. As soon as she calls her name Dorota comes rushing from the kitchen, looking slightly flustered.

''Yes Miss Blair?'' ''I'm going to stay with the van der Woodsen's for a while. Pack some clothes for me and send them to their building, also call the limo around, we're leaving now.'' Blair seems thinking for a moment and then as if something has changed in her, she rushed back upstairs and bolted to her bathroom. She almost didn't make she thinks while she empties the contents of her stomach into the perfect porcelain bowl. She slowly stands up and looks at herself in the mirror, for the first time today.

After she washes her mouth she looks herself in the eyes and is surprised by the emptiness she sees there. She doesn't look like her usual delicate self. Instead she sees a red eyed girl with a messy ponytail who's doing her best in keeping her emotions in check. She splashes some cold water on her face and applies a little bit of makeup. Waterproof mascara and some blush instantly make her look better and she's sure she may exit her safe haven like this. Could be better, but who cares anyway… thinks Blair as she slowly breathes in and out.

Serena was frightened when she saw her best friend run for the bathroom. But against her better judgement she decides to stay downstairs and leave Blair alone. Blair has to deal with some things on her own and this is one of them. The girls have known each other since kindergarten and they are able to recognise when the other needs support or to be left alone. When you know someone as long as they know one another, you are certain that in some moments, only you can get through to them and they'll listen to you. Begrudgingly, but they'll listen. However, there are times when even the best of best friends can't get through. Like right now.

Blair calms herself in the bathroom ''you can do this!'' She doesn't want to leave her penthouse but she knows it'll do her good to stay somewhere else. After repeating her mantra at least ten more times, she makes her way back downstairs. Serena looks up at her and Blair gives her a sad reassuring smile and both step into the elevator.

After the soft ping of the elevator they go towards the limo. Blair's been surprised today that she doesn't seem to have any problem with cars whatsoever. Even though her parents died in one, Blair isn't afraid. When they arrive to Serena's building, their driver opens their door for them and they make their way in.

There aren't any photographers anymore. The craze has died down for now. No new news have emerged about the newly richest heir of the Waldorf Empire. Even though she has become the wealthiest, she also isn't interesting enough a person for the press and so they've left her alone. She is glad that she doesn't have to put up with them anymore.

Lilly welcomes her in a warm embrace and her sincerest condolences. Nevertheless, Lilly also understands the importance of not rubbing it in and leaves the tricky subject alone. ''Would you like to join us for dinner, Blair?'' asks Lilly and Blair is happy she doesn't ask how she's doing. She is sick of all the concern everybody has shown her today. It was a mere formality. Who of them really meant it? Blair asks herself as she politely thanks Lilly.

''Yes, I'd love that.'' Blair answers. Although she is still sad, slowly, she becomes engulfed in the warmth of the van der Woodsen penthouse. ''Serena,'' says Lilly in a calm voice, ''Will you ask the housekeeping to prepare a room for Blair, I must have forgotten about it.'' Serena only smiles and soon after that she is lost in the huge penthouse.

There is an awkward silence for a while and then Lilly says ''Blair, I know you probably don't want to talk about what happened but if you do, I'm here for you.'' Blair is surprised at that but also glad Lilly doesn't continue her speech. Now or never Blair, she thinks. ''Actually Lilly, there's something I'd like to ask you. '' Lilly smiles at the young girl encouragingly and that seems to help because Blair begins to speak again.

''I know it might be too much to ask but…'' Blair doesn't know how to go on with what she wants to say nor does she want to. She takes a deep steadying breath and continues. 'Will you help me with the funeral?'' Lilly doesn't even have to think about it. Eleanor was a good friend of hers and helped her out many times. Now, Lilly will do all she can to help Blair. ''Of course I'll help you.'' Lilly says in an affirmative tone and then adds ''tomorrow, we'll deal with it, right now let's have dinner all right?'' ''Okay'' answers Blair, feeling some of the weight lifting off her shoulders.

Lilly proved to be a big help in the weeks to come. She helped Blair plan the funeral and deal with the loss of her parents. When she needed someone to talk to, she didn't go to Serena, she went to Lilly who was sometimes overwhelmed with all the things that were hiding inside of Blair. Yet Blair seemed to drift apart. Even though Serena helped Blair a lot, Blair shut herself away from the world, literally. She only went out when she needed to sort out her father's and mother's accounts, clean up their offices or sing some contracts.

After almost two weeks of playing getting better and actually getting worse, she decided she didn't have anything to live for in New York City anymore. So she started to make a plan. Her mother's company is already in good hands, she doesn't need to worry about that. Dorota will get a year's salary, for that she can live very well till she finds another job.

Blair is sad to let Dorota go, but she doesn't need her anymore. On the other hand, she may look after the penthouse, and Blair thinks that might be a better idea. She doesn't want anyone living in that place other than her. The apartment doesn't have to catch dust, but if Dorota lived there, then Blair could return home anytime she wanted.

Her master plan, as she liked to call it, is to move to London. Even though all her friends are here, she isn't the same person as before. She has changed and New York is not her city anymore. She'll always love it here, that's for sure, but there are too many memories, happy memories of her with her parents and it hurts too much.

She has it all planed, flight tickets booked; the only thing left is to pack. Her alarm clock starts ringing and she's made aware that it's time to get up. She isn't able to sleep much these days. When she does, she has nightmares and wakes up crying. She gets up from her comfortable bed and makes her way to the ensuite bathroom. She steps in the shower and washes her hair. She tries to get rid of the feeling of being unworthy of her parents' care. She feels this more and more every day and it's become another reason for her to leave.

Her parents never went to London and that's precisely why she's chosen that destination. Blair thinks they were the only exception to the people in the US who love Britain. She travelled to Paris every year with her mother for the fashion week, but they never went anywhere else. Now, she is just a regular girl in her world of New York high society and she doesn't expect people will know her anywhere else. There is not one thing she thinks, that is interesting about her now. Well, except for her fortune.

She is standing in her shower, reaching for her shampoo, which smells divinely and thinks it all over again. I'm leaving, she thinks. For good, never to come back here again, she adds loudly trying to persuade herself of the greater good of her departure. Her life has successfully become too unbearable not to escape it. Some may see it as a weakness but for her it was a lifeline.

Today she'll tell Serena and even if she doesn't understand it she'll have to live with an unnerving Serena only for a day longer, after all tomorrow she's leaving. Lilly already knows what's up and she supports her decision. It might be a healthy change, she said as Blair told her about her idea. That encouraged her even more. Maybe this will be the best decision I've made in a while Blair thinks as she exits the shower and dries herself with an incredibly soft towel.


	4. Chapter 4

_Here's chapter four. It is the last one when Blair is still living her old life, or at least all of the people around her are trying to pull her in it. So yeah, the last part of the story from NYC... Hope you'll enjoy it!_

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Blair rummages through her new closet at the van der Woodsen's looking for some jeans to wear this morning. Her style has changed profoundly since her parents' accident. She got rid of all those preppy shirts, bow headbands and uptight skirts. She doesn't wear lacy dresses and doesn't try to please The Colony Club as she once wanted to. Because of that, her closet has gone through a drastic change. All of her clothes, shoes, handbags and accessories except for her precious jewellery have been given away. Or at least Blair has put them away.

Dorota, who was a witness to this supposed cleanse couldn't bear to throw all the clothes away so she decided to send the worse half of it to some charities and the better half of it she gave for free to some rather expensive and famous vintage shops. Dorota hates when something goes to waste even though it's not exactly her place to make these decisions. She stewed this for two days in her and after that she told Blair ''Miss Blair, I put your clothes to charity and vintage shops.'' She expected Blair to be furious because she didn't comply but Blair was actually very happy about it. ''I'm so glad you came up with that idea'' she said ''it would be such a waste to throw it all away.''

After Blair has completely emptied her closet in her 5th Avenue penthouse and only two pairs of jeans and some sweaters were left behind she felt slightly lightheaded. She spent a lot of time building her closet and her efforts were now completely wasted, not that she complained. Much-needed change was going to take place. It was a week since her parents have died and she decided to go therapy shopping.

She has spent a day driving around the City looking for inspiration. In the end she was absolutely sure, what her new style will be. She wanted to alter herself. Nothing will be left as it was before. Blair returned home at eleven p.m. that day with more than fifty bags and boxes. The only thing that stayed as it has been before was her hair. She indeed does cherish her long chocolate brown locks.

So now, there isn't a queen B anymore. Now there's a girl, who's looking more French than the French. When Serena saw her friend for the first time after this big change, she almost got a heart attack. Blair only smiled at her friend and said ''so, what do you think?'' Serena squealed and started to laugh. Blair wasn't sure if that was a good sign since Serena was always hysterically laughing when something went wrong. But after she calmed herself down she answered ''Blair, you look amazing!'' That gave Blair the encouragement she needed so much and was happy with her choice.

Today, a week after the big change, Blair is going to tell Serena she's leaving for good. She has already texted Dorota to cover everything in her penthouse since she didn't want the furniture to catch dust. Dorota has decided to live in another apartment but will take care of the penthouse. Blair isn't too happy about this arrangement but trusts Dorota to do her job so in the end, she let it go. After she puts a little bit of mascara on her lashes, she exits her room and goes to find Serena.

She finds her friend in the open living room, sipping coffee and reading a fashion magazine. ''Serena, we need to talk'' Blair says startling Serena from her peaceful morning. Blair isn't one to beat around the bush and sometimes it takes people by surprise like this morning. No good morning, she gets straight to the point. By now, Serena is used to it, nevertheless sometimes she wouldn't mind to chat for a while than discuss the serious stuff. ''Blair, what is it?'' Serena asks in a worried voice.

''I'm leaving New York tomorrow. I'm moving to London.'' Blair answers in an unaffected voice. Serena certainly wasn't expecting that. ''What? What do you mean leaving? You can't leave!'' Serena tries to convince her best friend. '' It means exactly what it is. Serena, I can't live here anymore. If I go to school, everybody will think I'm the obscenely rich orphan girl. I need to start fresh, you should know about that!''

But Serena doesn't know. She's escaped their world afraid of the consequences. However, Blair wants to go away and she isn't escaping but leaving. ''Of course you can live here, you have me, your friends, everybody loves you Blair!'' She tries to reason with Blair but doesn't accomplish anything. Blair is sad that her friend can't understand her. If anything, it only confirms that her best friend isn't able to support her decisions anymore.

''Serena, tomorrow I'm leaving, so please deal with it. You know very well as I that we haven't been much of friends anyway. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with you, and I've forgiven you but I don't trust you anymore. Tonight, we can go out if you want, call it a goodbye party. But nothing is stopping me from leaving.'' That said, Blair turns on her heel and heads back to her room where she starts to pack.

She gathers all of her six Louis Vuitton suitcases and puts them on her bed. After a while all of her trousers and jackets are placed in one of them and the lid is successfully closed. Methodically she places her jewellery in their velvet boxes and puts them carefully in one of the more sturdy smaller suitcases and locks it.

In the meantime, an extremely upset Serena makes her way out of the penthouse. She has decided to ignore Blair, maybe it'll bring her to her senses of her best friend ignored her. However, she can't help herself not to think about some of the things Blair's said. Although they once used to be best friends, now it doesn't seem like it. Blair doesn't tell her half the things she used to and her sudden departure only confirms that.

Serena is more than hurt as she makes her to one of the barstools in an empty bar and ordering a drink. She needs someone to talk to now and the bartender seems like the best and unfortunately the only option. However the bartender proves to be quite an entertaining guy. His name is Tom, working an early shift in this no name bar because in the evening he's dj-ing in some midtown club. Inhibitions run lose and after five cocktails Serena's telling him her whole life story. ''Why has she done this to me? Why does she have to leave me here alone?''

The bartender takes pity on her and serves her another drink, because the last one he has given her, she downed down in only a few quick gulps. ''Honey, you should go home and talk it through with your friend.'' Tom already knows all there is to know. This stunning blonde has friend who's leaving and she takes it rather badly and Serena thinks it's all her fault since her friend's boyfriend has cheated on her friend with her…, it's all a bit complicated but he doesn't mind.

After an hour of listening to her, he asks if she wants to him to call her a taxi but she declines it with a request for another drink. At eleven she's completely wasted ''I should have told her to go, if she doesn't want her friend anymore, that's fine! I have everything I need here. Tom! TOM! Tom?'' But Tom has had enough and called her a taxi. It's too early even for him to listen to a broken heart. Because that's what it is, at least in his eyes.

''Sweetheart, there's a taxi for you'' Serena is awkwardly trying to stand up and he walks around the bar and helps her down from the high barstool. As she jumps down from her barstool, she comes dangerously close to Tom's body. And a combination of a hot bartender and a drunken Serena can lead only to one thing only. As she's trying to keep standing on her wobbly legs she looks into his blue eyes. Leaning in she wants to kiss him nevertheless Tom shakes his head ''Come on, I'll take you to your taxi.'' Feeling even more rejected, Serena tells the driver to drive to her friend Georgina's. She just wants to forget and Georgina's the right person to do it with. And just like that, Blair loses her best friend.

In the afternoon Blair is finally finished with the packing and she takes a small snack and stands on the balcony. She looks at the New York skyline, wondering if her new life will be better or worse as this one. She has booked herself a suite in the Ritz and once she gets to know London, she'll look for a house there. However right now, she's happy that she has something to look forward to.

Dealing with her parents' death is hard for her. Most of the time, she doesn't admit it to herself that they aren't here anymore. She has things to deal with, like her move to London. That has become her number one priority. She wants to finish the little school she has left and then enrol in a University. Her plan to become a lawyer has been thrown out of the window as many others. It was no longer her dream to have a townhouse with a picket fence and 2,5 child or to be an established lawyer.

Sure, there was a company waiting for her but she doesn't have to be a lawyer to lead it. What's more, she doesn't even want to lead it. She has had a long time to think things through. As she's looking down from the balcony, her hair blowing in the wind, people seem to her as ants, so unimportant, so oblivious. Oblivion, that has become her motto recently. ''Sweet oblivion… It is better not to know and be happier than to know everything, control everything and be miserable after.'' she thinks to herself leaning on the railing.

The sun was getting lower and lower and the Central Park got sanguine red touch. It was beautiful to look at, leaves fluttering in the wind; it seemed as if the whole park was rhythmically moving. The temperature has lowered and it has gotten chilly so she goes back inside. She asks the housekeeping for some tea and sits on the couch and opens the magazine Serena was reading in the morning. This brings the thoughts of Serena to Blair and she starts to wander where her friend is.

Her questions are answered shortly afterwards, when an elevator opens and a wasted Serena stumbles with Lilly into the living area. ''Blair, will you give me a hand?'' asks Lilly a bit desperately as she tries to get her daughter to walk. Blair rushes to them and helps her get Serena to her room. They carefully put Serena on her bed, but she's so exhausted that she immediately falls asleep.

''What happened Lilly?'' Blair wonders as she quietly closes the door to Serena's room and follows Lilly. ''Well, to begin with, she got drunk in some bar and then went to Georgina's. At least I've understood that much from her on our ride back home.'' Blair has nothing to say to that. Her friend is lost to the ways of Georgina once again and even her mother knows that when something like that happens, there's no way to pull her back out.

''I see…'' is everything Blair has left to say and she goes back to the living room, not bothering to look at Lilly. They both know it won't accomplish anything to elaborate on that. After a while Serena's Georgina phase will be over and everything will be as before. ''The limo will be here in eight in the morning tomorrow.'' Lilly interrupts her musings.

''I'd better finish with my packing then…'' Blair brusquely answers and goes back to her room checking on Serena on her way there. She is still sleeping, looking like a lost baby with her blonde hair spread on the pillow and a sad expression on her face. Blair wonders for a short time if it's her fault but reminds herself that Serena is a grown woman and if she decides to go to ''Whoregina'' it's hers and only hers decision with nothing influencing, or at least that she's trying to tell herself. Because deep down she knows it's all her fault, that in the end, everything is her fault.

She leaves guiltily the next morning. Her town car is stuffed with suitcases, bags and boxes holding her every possession and there's a private jet to take her to London. She knows she must go now, but doesn't want to leave without saying a proper goodbye to Serena. She throws a last sad glance around the penthouse she spent the last two weeks in and with a sigh she presses the button in the elevator and makes her way to the lobby. Please Serena, wake up, she silently wishes as she steps into the car. Bur Serena doesn't come and Blair hastily wipes the insolent tear away.

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_Thank you for reading, please review! _


	5. Chapter 5

_Hi guys, here's the next chapter. I really had some time to think this one through and I'm so excited about it so I hope you'll like it!_

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The private jet Blair has ordered is already waiting for her. The driver and the airport staff load her luggage into the plane and Blair is greeted by very friendly looking staff members inside of the jet. ''Miss Waldorf, welcome aboard. We'll be taking off as soon as all the checks are done. My name is Margaret and I'll be your stewardess throughout your flight. Would you like something to drink?''

Blair gives her a polite smile. ''I'd like a glass of champagne.'' The stewardess, still smiling says ''Mark here will show you to your seat and I'll bring you your drink shortly.'' A tanned dark haired man appears out of nowhere, greets Blair and bids her to follow him. Blair eyes the inside of the jet with appreciative eyes. She chooses a seat in the middle and lets herself relax in one of the soft cushioned seats by the window.

Soon after, the stewardess brings her a crystal flute filled with sparkling liquid. 'Thank you Margaret. How long does it take to fly London? '' ''It'll be around seven hours. You'll be informed throughout the flight of our progress.'' Blair nods and looks back out of the window. In the distance, she sees the famous New York City skyline. All of her memories rush to her in an instant, the good and also the bad. But nothing can change her mind now.

She closes her eyes as she hears the pilot announce they are ready to take off. It is half past two in the afternoon when she wakes up momentarily disoriented but she quickly remembers where she is. She smiles a bit and rummages in her bag looking for her book. She has never liked carrying things around but her attitude towards almost everything has changed drastically in the past few days. It isn't surprising then that a copy of Anna Karenina has found its way into her oversized Céline bag.

Blair loves classics. If it is a film, a book, an art piece, she knows it all. But she has never read Anna Karenina, the famous book by Leo Tolstoy. She has successfully refused to read the book or see the film. She doesn't even remember why as she opens her thick book on the first page and becomes completely absorbed in it.

After about an hour she is distracted from reading by the voice of the pilot informing her they're halfway across the Atlantic and that she can continue enjoying a peaceful flight since there is almost no turbulence in sight. She is quite hungry so she calls for Margaret and asks her to bring her lunch. They seem to know everything, Blair thinks as she's being served her favourite French salad. It's made out of truffles, blue cheese, walnuts and many other ingredients which are making it incredibly delicious.

She takes a sip of white wine as she thinks about the book she was reading a moment before. She can remember now why she hasn't read it yet! One afternoon at the MET steps her minions were chatting about books (a nice change from all the boyfriend and virginity drama) and she accidently overhear their conversation.

An upset Hazel was telling Kati and Is about Anna Karenina, trying to explain to them why she had to fall under the train. Of course Kati explained that it was the worst idea she could ever get because when does a heroine need to die like that to prove a point to her? To that Is said it isn't about proving a point since there is just no point in that. It went on like that for a while until Blair became extremely angry with them for spoiling the book for her and told them to finally shut up, since nobody's interested in their bullshit.

Every time after that, when Serena wanted to watch Anna Karenina either the Sean Bean version (Blair's excuse was her inability to stand that actor) or the newer version with Keira Knightley in it (this time it was the horrid British accent) Blair refuse to watch it. Even though Serena knew Blair adored the British accent and that she certainly didn't hate Sean Bean, she didn't push her. However, as Blair was going through the library at her penthouse a week ago, she stumbled upon a book she has never read – Anna Karenina. It was the first edition of it translated in English, quite precious really. And so Blair thought new Blair new books.

The few (more than 150) pages she's already read surprised her. The situation was confusing and still so close to what her everyday life looked like. Although this book was written ages ago, it describes what is happening now. Blair opens it again and she can't put it done. By the time they are only waiting for permission to land, she's halfway through the book.

She is a quick and attentive reader but some passages she has to skip. Descriptions of Russian countryside aren't really her cup of tea. But she loves it so far. She wishes she had something so passionate, as uncontrollable as Anna's and Vronsky's love in her life. She has never felt passion or complete devotion.

She and Nate were perfect only on paper. After five years of dating, she has never felt the fluttering feeling inside her stomach. They never went behind second base and sometimes, when Blair has reached her endurance point, she asked Nate why he didn't want to sleep with her. To that he only answered he wanted to wait, to make it special for her. Blair was pissed, what guy doesn't want to sleep with his girlfriend? She asked herself more and more often.

Nevertheless she loved him and wanted to please him, so she waited like the patient girl she tried to be. What she didn't know was that Nate had a crush on her best friend which led to him cheating on her. Her mood sours thinking about it and she starts to think about something else, successfully banishing the thoughts of her ex-boyfriend from her mind.

Blair has never kept a diary. She though it too dangerous to put her thoughts onto paper, it became so real after that. But as she went shopping for some fetching jewellery and looked around the Tiffany's, she stumbled upon their journals. She immediately fell in love with its trademark blue cover and silver lock. It was as if those diaries were made only for her. So now, with only about 30 minutes before they were to land, she takes out her journal and opens it.

She stares at the blank page and after a beat she writes a simple sentence down in her elegant cursive handwriting.

_**WHAT DO I WANT?**_

She looks at it if it was her greatest enemy. She thinks and thinks and then writes down one single word and carefully puts it back in her bag. Margaret comes to inform her that they'll be landing now and Blair starts to dread what's to come now. She loves flying, however the feeling of descending and landing always leaves her freaked out.

She's clutching the armrests of her seat as the jet is nearing land. Please don't crash, please don't crash, she's chanting silently. As the plane safely touches down and she's pulled back to her seat as it rapidly slows down. A wave of relief washes over her as the plane halts on one of the private jet runways. ''Miss Waldorf, welcome to London. It's partly cloudy and 8 degrees Celsius outside. We wish you a pleasant stay. '' is heard in the jet as Blair slowly stands up and stretches her arms. By the door there's Margaret, smiling and wishing her a happy stay once again. Blair takes a deep breath and descends down from the plane.

Her luggage is already in the waiting limo and her chauffer opens the door for her. ''Miss Waldorf'' he says as he bows his head in greeting. ''The drive will take approximately 50 minutes, depending on traffic. Do you want to make any stops on your way there?'' he asks. Blair is pleasantly surprised by this. In New York, her driver always seemed bored out of his mind, never really bothered to ask anything. ''No thank you…'' she wants to say his name but doesn't know it and it makes her slightly uneasy. But the chauffeur seems to sense it ''my name is Robert Miss Waldorf'' ''Thank you Robert, we'll be going straight to the hotel. ''As you wish Miss''

Blair is practically glued to the window in a very unladylike manner as they're slowly driving through the city. She's used to traffic jams from NYC so it doesn't bother her that it takes an hour to get to the Ritz. As the Rolls Royce limo halts in front of the hotel Blair reaches for her bag while her door is being opened. People here really do know how to do their jobs Blair thinks as she enters the spacious lobby which is already adorned with Christmas decorations.

Because Blair is planning on finding a house for her in London as soon as possible, she decided to book one of the smaller suites there. The Berkley suite suited her needs very well, it wasn't too big for her to feel alone in it but still lavish, with nice furnishing and a beautiful view. Her luggage was brought up to her room and she starts to put her clothes out of her suitcases and in her closet. She could easily ask someone to do this job but she hates it when somebody tries to arrange her clothes. It always ends in disaster.

It's almost seven in the evening as Blair checks her watch. She decides to go out to have dinner. She hasn't dined out since it happened and it was time to start living, or at least look like it. She puts on a navy dress, some pearls and arranges her curls. She looks for her classic Chanel handbag in the mess she's made by unpacking. After a while she finally finds it and puts her necessities in it. She has to call somebody to clean this up she thinks. She calls the cleaning service, puts on a white winter coat and black knee high Manolo boots.

She decides to walk there since she is assured it is only two minutes away. The hotel has already made reservation for her so she is in no hurry. The restaurant is already humming, but not exceedingly noisy. There are a lot of people but she's shown to her table instantly. After she sits down at one of the tables near the window, she looks around the restaurant. Its strange interior is refreshing from what she's used to from New York. The restaurant is brightly lit and the white table-cloth creates a nice contrast with the dark chairs and mirrors. She doesn't have to wait to be served after she orders her food.

She's enjoying her dessert when a man walks up to her table. ''Excuse me, is this place free?'' the stranger asks pointing to the chair across from her. Blair looks him up and down; he has a navy jacket on, a white shirt and a pair of light blue trousers, slightly over 20 maybe 25. She ignores his otherwise attractive appearance as she answers to his rather rude interruption ''Yes, can I help you?'' ''I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner…'' he replies as he sits down.

''I haven't told you to sit down. Now tell me what you want before I have you thrown out!'' Blair tells him in an eerily calm voice as she looks him in the eyes. The stranger took a deep breath. He shouldn't be doing this but well, he is a good brother. Blair on the other hand has different thoughts going through her mind. I'm here only five hours and already people are bothering me, she thinks as she musters the most uninterested expression on her face. But god, his accent!

''Forgive me, I haven't introduced myself properly. My name is Michael Baizen.'' Baizen, where has she heard that? Blair wonders and Michael goes on ''you are …'' but he isn't able to finish because Blair interrupts him. ''Not interested. Now if you'll excuse me I want finish my dinner so please go back to what you were doing before.'' She throws that sentence in his face expecting him to get up and leave as it usually happens but not in this case it seems.

''You didn't let me finish. You see, I have a brother…'' He just can't take a hint! Blair thinks as she angrily stands up and says ''I trust you can pay for my dinner. Goodbye.'' Blair has never been like this. Usually she liked it when people pay her attention and are trying to persuade her even if she knows it's hopeless. But in those cases, she lets them talk and talk and she never walks away. They do, dejectedly.

So no, she doesn't know what possesses her when she stands up and walks away, taking her coat on the way out and informing the staff that the gentleman there will be paying for her dinner. The woman she's talking to only nods and opens the door for her. Blair feels the rush of cold air hit her face and she tightens her coat around her. It is freezing outside as she goes back to her hotel. She is standing in front of the entrance but decides to go for a walk a bit. She isn't cold anymore; her thick coat is doing a great job in warming her.

After a while she reaches a park. It seems like the one I see out of her window, Blair thinks as she walks in and sits on a bench near the entrance. It's dark all around her, the only light coming from the street. She isn't afraid that someone will attack her; she has never been the one to be frightened. Moreover, the bench she's sitting on has still some light falling on it. The peacefulness of the night lets her wonder about what has happened a while ago.

_A while ago…_

''Oh come on, it'll be better than the last time! I promise not to get drunk so fast!'' Michael exclaims as his brother tries to walk away from the bar or should he say, restaurant. ''Remind me, how many times have you already said that?'' ''Well, today only once!'' Michael tries to defend himself smiling at his brother, who then laughs and the both of them enter the restaurant.

They sit at the bar, drinking and talking when a beautiful brunet walks by them and sits alone at a far table. Michael tries to talk to his brother again, but his answers are short and he doesn't pay half the attention as he did before. When she's at her dessert, Michael has had enough of his brother staring at the girl. He stands up and decides to speak to her. His brother only gapes at him as he's watching what he's doing.

''Excuse me, is this place free?'' asks Michael the girl, who seems much more beautiful than he thought. But there's sadness in her eyes and he wonders what has brought that up. She looks him up and down before she answers ''Yes, can I help you?'' ''I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner…'' he says and because he's in no mood to talk to her while standing, he sits down.

''I haven't told you to sit down. Now tell me what you want before I have you thrown out!'' he almost laughs out when he hears that but manages to cover that by a small cough. ''Forgive me, I haven't introduced myself properly. My name is Michael Baizen.'' he tries it the longer way. He knows from the way she holds herself that she's used to behaving according to some standards. Also from her accent it occurs to him she's American.

''You are …'' he wants to continue but is interrupted yet again ''Not interested. Now if you'll excuse me I want finish my dinner so please go back to what you were doing before.'' She throws that sentence in his face clearly expecting him to leave but he's used to persuading grumpy 50 year old men, so a girl like her shouldn't be a problem. ''You didn't let me finish. You see, I have a brother…'' '' Oh, what is it with this girl, he asks himself. But he is startled as he looks at the beautiful brunet before him seething in anger when she stands up and tells him icily ''I trust you can pay for my dinner. Goodbye.''

He certainly wasn't expecting that. It has never happened to him before that someone would just walk away from him. When the waitress comes and asks him if she can put it on his bill, he politely says yes and makes his way back to his brother who's laughing hard. ''She has fire, I'll give her that.'' Michael says to his brother who only nods, trying not to start laughing again. After another drink they pay and leave the restaurant. It's cold outside but nothing they're not used to.

''It was nice to see you brother!'' Michael says as he gives his younger brother a hug. They have always been close, now however they see each other only once or twice a year. Michael goes straight to his hotel but his brother decides to take a walk. He can think about only one person and try as he might he can't get her out of his head. There was something about her. Not only was she extremely beautiful, but also the way she has held herself and talked to his brother even though he couldn't hear them, fascinates him.

He continues thinking about her but as he walks into his favourite park, he sees a person there, sitting on a bench. He looks at her, it's obvious it's a woman and to his surprise he sees the girl from before, whom he was sure he'll never see again. ''You know, it's impolite to leave before a conversation is finished'' he says loud enough to startle her from her musings.

Blair, who was totally immersed in her thoughts, hasn't noticed when a guy came up to her and spoke to her. She looked up at him ''Excuse me?''. The resemblance was striking but before she could manage to say anything else he replied ''you know, you are the first person to ever interrupt my brother… Well, except for me'' he added as he sits down beside her on the bench. Blair is frozen for a moment but she quickly recovers and retorts ''and you are?'' ''Carter Baizen''

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_I've finally put Carter in the story! I only hope it isn't too early but then, it felt like the right time... Please review and wait for the next chapter!_


	6. Chapter 6

_Hallo guys! Sorry I haven't updated for a long time, school comes first... So finally, after five chapters, here's the sixth one. Carter and Blair have finally met, but how will it go? Read and find out! _

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_Blair, who was totally immersed in her thoughts, hasn't noticed when a guy came up to her and spoke to her. She looked up at him ''Excuse me?''. The resemblance was striking but before she could manage to say anything else he replied ''you know, you are the first person to ever interrupt my brother… Well, except for me'' he added as he sits down beside her on the bench. Blair is frozen for a moment but she quickly recovers and retorts ''and you are?'' ''Carter Baizen''_

''Well, it's certainly nice…'' as Blair wants to dismiss this unknown person, he dares to interrupt her ''I think you know way too much about me, so how about your name for starters? Before you start to make excuses about how you have to go, hmm?'' Blair is flabbergasted. How dare he be so… so infuriating! She thinks about making a nasty comment about his behaviour but as she looks him in the eye, those pools of iced blue change her mind and she answers ''Blair Waldorf''.

Carter has expected more of a fight, but then again, this girl seems to be full of surprises too. Even though he's only met her tonight, he's watched her the whole evening and he's learned a lot about her. She looks like she is from a wealthy family, the way she holds herself, what she is wearing and how she speaks. But she is completely alone. And Carter can't understand that. Sure sometimes everyone needs a little bit of space but girls like her usually have many friends who won't let them be alone.

''It's nice to meet you Blair.'' Carter says to her but she averts her gaze. She is afraid of what he might see. She has always been a good actress and has been able to hide her emotions quite well, but this guy seems to look right through her. She has to protect herself from that; no one can know how she feels. So she doesn't say anything anymore, she only looks around, observing the quite park and listening to the rush of the city. ''Why were you alone in the restaurant?'' Carter asks out of the blue.

Blair is tired after a whole day of travelling, dealing with one irritating brother and then another, who seems to interest her more than he should. ''Because I am'' she answers honestly, stands up and starts to walk away. Tears sting in her eyes but she pushes them back and takes a steadying breath. She's almost in front of the entrance to the Ritz when she stops. ''Stalk me much?'' she asks in an angry tone but her eyes are soft as she looks at Carter. ''Well, you were the one who walked away and I haven't asked you what I've wanted to ask, so…''.

''Which was?'' Blair says in a patronizing voice, in which she's used to make her minions cry. ''Oh surely you can ask nicer...'' he jokes but as he sees Blair on the verge of rage, seriously, this girl needs to relax, he continues ''Will you have coffee with me?'' What the hell? Blair thinks, but is immediately intrigued. He looks like a nice guy and from London. Not that she isn't able to find her way around without him, but it might be easier. ''Maybe'' she answers disinterestedly but is secretly excited about it.

''I'll pick you up at 10.'' And with that, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction which they've come from. Blair is confused more than ever. What's going on with her? She decides to blame her moment of confusion on her tiredness. ''Good evening'' the doorman in a uniform opens the door for her. She makes her way upstairs and is greeted by a tidy suite. All the bags and boxes are hidden and the rest of her belongings are in order in her bathroom and closet.

She takes off her shoes and goes in search for her La Perla nightgown. Look at that, Blair thinks as she finds it nicely arranged on her bed, the cleaning service seems to use their heads. After she removes her make-up and cleans up she slips into bed and takes her diary she's put on her nightstand. She looks at what she's written today and thinks about what she wants to write. And after a while of indecision she begins to write.

_**WHAT DO I WANT?**_

_**Passion**_

_In the past I've been the cold-hearted queen and I haven't suffered from that, more of the contrary. And when I was with my friends or family, I tried to please them, appreciate them, carried my heart on a sleeve. But it led to nothing, more than nothing. I've left years of endeavour behind me and want to start fresh. I'm scared though, scared that I won't be able to move on, that there will always be a part missing which I will never be able to fill. _

_I met a guy today. If Serena was here she would definitely say: Boy meets a girl, girl falls for a boy, and boy breaks her heart. It happened to me once before and who's to say that it won't happen again? But there's something about this one that makes me feel he won't be another one. _

Blair looks at what she's written and gets furious. I'm not a whiny little girl anymore she thinks and rips out the page and crumbles the small piece of paper in her hand. God, I can't keep a diary, it's too humiliating. With that, she loudly shuts the small book and throws it with the crumbled paper in one of the drawers in her nightstand. She calls the reception to wake her up at seven in the morning and also orders breakfast. After that she falls into an exhausted sleep, the first one without nightmares in a while.

A loud shrill of a telephone wakes Blair up from her dreamless sleep. As she lies in her bed staring at the adorned ceiling, she thinks about what she left behind in New York and slowly composes a list of things she has to deal with soon. Number one is school. She doesn't want to go to school anymore, but still has to pass the last exams. That will require calling Headmistress Queller and finding an appropriate school. She hasn't visited school in the past two weeks and she's certainly missed a lot of assignments. Moreover, it's only the beginning of December, a lot of time till the finals.

Oh, how I wish Dorota was here! Blair sighs. She starts to plot a way of how to persuade her trusted maid to move to London with her. She looks at the antique alarm clock on her nightstand and counts the hours back to New York. It's too early there, too early to call her. Blair would certainly appreciate a familiar face in here, and if it was Dorota, it would be that much easier.

After quarter an hour of lounging in her bed and deciding whether to get up or not, she finally makes her way to the shower. Warm water is cascading over her body and she relishes in the lavender smell of her shower oil and in the fresh feeling created by the humid air in the bathroom. She puts on one of the white fluffy bathrobes and goes in the dining room, where her breakfast is waiting.

She pours herself a cup of coffee and chooses a bowl full of fresh berries. Blair has always worried about her weight. Sometimes it even went so far that she made herself sick. But this ''bad habit'' of hers was usually only a one time occurrence and she was very good at hiding it. Only Dorota has found out and she's made her swear to not tell anyone. She was very surprised that Dorota has really kept her mouth shut; maybe it had something to do with the fact that Blair spent almost an hour persuading her that it wasn't a continuous problem. Although she would like to muse about all the ways she misses Dorota, she has to get ready. With a new determination she looks for an outfit to wear.

She still isn't used to her new clothes; nevertheless she still has her favourite lingerie. The people who know Blair, or at least they claim to, would say that she is a young girl with big goals. On the other hand, they wouldn't say anything about the fire that was below, which she desperately tried to hide both figuratively and literally. She tried to hide the devil inside her, the passion for life and the need to let loose.

The only way she rebelled against the conventions of class was what she wore underneath, because under those prim and proper shirts and skirts, she wore the most racy and dangerous underwear. Well, she needed to divert her frustration somewhere. She couldn't let go of her beautiful lacy underwear she possessed. Actually, no one could.

Right now, she's trying to find a white Italian lacy set and a pair of sheer silk tights. As she stands only in her underwear and tights before her closet, she contemplates what she's going to wear. In the end she decides on red loose shorts with a classic Breton stripes shirt and grey Chanel jacket _(AN: don't worry you'll get your old Blair back)_. The black leather boots make my legs seem much longer and thinner than they are, she thinks. Overly content with her appearance she checks her watch again only to realise she has still some time till she has to go downstairs.

Settling on the couch, she opens Anna Karenina again getting lost in its plot one more time. Only the turning of pages is heard in the whole suite. But even this short peaceful moment is soon interrupted by the ringing of the hotel's telephone. Blair sighs angrily and stretches out the couch so she can reach it and stop it from ringing. ''Yes?'' she snaps but the employees of hotels are known at keeping their cool. ''Miss Waldorf, I'm sorry for interrupting you but there is a gentleman claiming he wants to see you?'' the receptionist says with a mildly questioning voice.

Suddenly she remembers she has a coffee date Blair muses and tells the receptionist that the gentleman was expected and is to wait for her downstairs. However, after hanging up, she begins to become nervous. God, what is going on with me! It's just a coffee, get a grip! Little did she know that a certain gentleman downstairs was thinking pretty much the same…

Carter didn't want to fuss about it. It is going to be just another of my many diversions in this dull life he thinks as he walks to the lobby of one of the most famous hotels in London. Nearly fifteen minutes later, which according to him greatly exceeds being fashionably late, he decides to ask the receptionist to call her suite. After a short phone call the receptionist informs him that Miss Waldorf will be here shortly and that he should wait over there, pointing at some yellow antique looking chair.

Blair becomes panicky, where the hell is my phone? Argh! She exclaims loudly but finally spots her black Blackberry and throws it in her designer handbag. She grabs her coat and scarf and hastily puts them on, not forgetting to check her appearance in the floor length mirror in the hallway. The shorts are just visible from under her cream Max Mara coat; the black boots and bag add a nice contrasting touch to it. Satisfied with the outcome she steps into the elevator and presses the button for lobby.

People are walking through the lobby like on every average day. Staff minds their own business occasionally picking up phones, wheeling luggage trolleys with or without custom made suitcases. Carter isn't interested in the morning rustle of the hotel even though he pays it some attention. His mind wonders elsewhere, to a month ago, when he was travelling the world. It was his rebellious age as his parents like to call it.

One day he just decided to go and so he went. From his point of view it was the best decision he has ever made. On the other hand, real life has been waiting for him for quite some time, and even though he didn't want to, he had to come back. Right now though, he isn't sure if it was such a good decision. ''You aren't a brooder, are you?'' A soft voice chimes along with sharp clapping of heals against marble.

He looks up and sees Blair, one eyebrow raised and an amused expression on her face. ''Good morning to you too'' Carter says with a small smile and Blair sees a twinkle in his eyes. This sure is going to be interesting the both think and make their way outside, where it began to snow softly. ''Where are we going?'' Blair asks, but he gives her no answer to that. ''It isn't far, you'll like it.''

''You like to walk a lot?'' ''It cleans your mind…'' His voice doesn't match her upset one. ''How do you like London so far?'' Carter asks her and finds out she is a keen observer and that if she's passionate about something, she can easily lose herself in it. ''I love it here, even though I came only yesterday.'' She exclaims happily. ''I haven't seen much of the city though, only on my way here from the airport. But I have a lot of time to explore it all. You know, I see the whole park from my window. It's so beautiful and…''

Every thought she has about London goes straight through her mind and after animatedly describing the view she had from the plane she remembers who she's talking to. ''Sorry'' she says sheepishly. ''Why are you apologizing?'' Carter asks Blair, who only shrugs and smiles an uncertain smile. ''Ah! We're here!'' And with that they enter a café cold Cafe de Pierre. On this Wednesday almost at noon, it's at least half full, people are enthusiastically chatting. In one corner, around a huge table, there's a celebratory brunch it seems.

Blair smiles, she can forget all her worries so easily. The energy of the cheery café starts to fill her and instantly, she feels better. They sit down and order some coffee. Blair feels in her element again. She used to love going in restaurants or cafés, especially when she could observe other people and comment on their usually mismatched outfits or funny ways of eating. She knows it's impolite to gawk at other people all right, but then where would be the fun in that if she didn't?

They get their coffee and the rich aroma of her cappuccino fills her nose. She thinks about what to say next but her thoughts are interrupted ''So, how long do you plan on staying?'' She is caught off her guard by that. Even though she's known he was bound to ask her at some point, it hasn't made it easier for her to answer. What has surprised her even more is that today she's being completely honest with him. She is great liar and schemer and the lies have helped her accomplish so much, but with him, she feels like she isn't able lie to him. She's sure he would know, but what harm is there in a little lie? It's funny that she behaves like that with a guy she has only met.

Nevertheless she sticks to her gut and tells him not what she thinks, because many times she's created an alternative truth in her head. She tells him what it feels like to her. ''You know, I've always lived in New York and never imagined living anywhere else… Well, maybe in Paris. But plans have changed and here I am. But I don't know how long will I stay here.'' The truth is she hasn't thought about it and certainly doesn't want to think about it now. It's too dangerous, too much emotions.

Concern is slightly evident on Carter's face. He can see she has something buried deep inside her, something she's afraid of. And even though he's not sure about it, his curiosity wins over. ''What has changed your plans?'' Oh but now, her mask is up again, indifference, she thinks, it doesn't matter, it doesn't concern you or him. In cold voice she answers ''something I haven't expected.'' She doesn't want him to dwell on this topic ''Are you from London? You seem like you know it here. ''

Carter is now certain she won't tell him the truth and he's a little bit sorry for that. But then again, what has he really expected? Everyone knows he's an open person, without any secrets. If you don't have anything to hide, no one can really use it against you, or at least he believes in that. But not every is like that especially Blair. She is the opposite, she guards herself pretty well, hiding behind her walls, so no one is able to break in and steal what is hidden there. So Carter tells her about his life, his travels, and his dreams. And they talk and get by. One open, one closed and both of them afraid.

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_Thank you so much for reading. As you might see, it will not be easy. Blair will have many things to overcome and deal with. I haven't really delved into the character of Carter. I must say I have to think about that one a lot. I loved him on the show, but this one will be different. Speaking of different, don't worry Blair's closet. Even I cannot really imagine her walking around like a commoner (You had a good point jennabolla) But right now, bear with me, it'l get better :D_

_Please review! _


	7. Chapter 7

_**AN:**_

_**My dear readers,**_

_**I've decided to discontinue writing this story. It has reached a point where anything can happen. As it is my first story I'm incredibly glad that so many people have read it. If someone wishes to continue writing this story they're mostly welcome, just write to me :-) Don't hate me, I just don't have any more constructive ideas.**_


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